Miserable enough 30 January 2004
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Today, I skipped the Chorus class.. I guess why I did that and it is because I am much affected by XTOMIC. Some people told me about their feelings/opinions on XTOMIC, and I know I have to do something to salvage the situation. But still, time is not right.
Things are looking up brightly on my side. I got another part-time job of teaching music, and this will be a step closer to my dream. I will start my work at CSHI, my former primary school tomorrow at 7.30am. Looks like I have a very early sleep tonight.
And, I got freelance work which I will do website revamping for my teacher (Mr Teow), who has earlier recommended me for music teaching at CSHI. He understands that I have my music studies and he hopes that I can survive through this harsh time. I’m very thankful..
Now, I do not know if I should be happy. But much affected by XTOMIC, I am feeling miserable.. I do not know if I need to confide in someone this time. Otherwise, I may bottle everything inside like last time. Sighz, I may say that my deafness is of my disadvantage. I wish I could talk to anyone on phone anytime. But I can’t. Only sms or email will do, but still, it will lead to any wrong interpretations.. Who can I turn to?? Who wants to listen to me patiently??? Everyone is busy.. I can’t disturb them.. :~(
What is Leadership about?? 29 January 2004
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What is Leadership about??
At this moment, I am beginning to doubt my leadership in XTOMIC. I have been trying so hard to be a good leader to everyone in XTOMIC. Since then, I have been setting a good example by coming down to SADeaf on time. Every time he/she tells me that he/she couldn’t perform due to the commitments or schedules, I understand their situation and I let them off. And, I dare not have any high hopes on everyone, like expecting them to come for the practices on time. I keep on telling myself that this group must be a fun group where everyone can exchange ideas. And I hope to see everyone smiling after each day’s hardwork. At the same time, I hope to see more people coming to say a big Hello to XTOMIC during the practices.
Meanwhile, I am very worried what everyone thinks about XTOMIC.. I know that XTOMIC is supposedly for Deaf youths but there are too few Deaf youths.. I believe that XTOMIC will have a balanced number of Deaf and Hearing youths/volunteers one day. And, I do not mind having more Hearing volunteers. They can improve their signing & expression styles and who knows they can be the best persons in the international events one day??
I know that I made alot of sacrifices for XTOMIC and my music passion. I made alot of sms to remind everyone of the practices, performances or meetings and this takes money. I even made every Wednesday available for myself as I have put it in higher priority. Is this wrong? I wonder if it is worth my efforts..
And, this is not a job. Where can I get money from? I have several jobs to survive me through this harsh time. My parents do not feed me financially and I couldn’t ask them for any financial help, knowing their objections on my time in XTOMIC or SADeaf. They are not happy with me for spending more time in XTOMIC on a voluntary basis. But still, they have accepted this fact. They understand that I chose this because of my love for music. And, I really hope that I can soar higher in music despite I know there is limits here in Singapore. Is there anything wrong with my choice? There is not… I love music so much and I love to teach anyone what I know.. Everything I do is from my true heart.
Leading XTOMIC is not a easy task, especially leading Hearing people this time. Every time Hearing people talk, they often forget the Deaf’s presence. I often remind them to use sign language. I hate to remind them, I am tired.. I am myself a Deaf person who needs to know what’s going on. Even, there are other Deaf youths who do not wish to be isolated. Yup, if Hearing Person A talks to Hearing Person B in sign language, it will be GREAT… The Deaf can join them in their conversations anytime.
If Deaf practises with music on, I hope everyone uses sign language, not voice to talk.. The Deaf/Hard of Hearing youths need to concentrate on things without any disturbances. It will be wonderful if hearing helps point out the mistakes.. The Deaf will be delighted to know what mistakes they often make so that they can improve themselves.
Right now, I do not know if I shall continue to lead XTOMIC this time.. I know myself very well that I am not very good at words. Doing emails or sms can lead to any wrong interpretations. Now, I think doing blogspot is the same thing, it always gives everyone wrong impression they want.. But to me, doing this is to practise what I want to express in form of words. I often use dictionary to look up for its meaning and I have to make sure if I get my point clear. This time, I do not care what others think of me.. I am what I am and I am myself LILY GOH!
Okay, when it comes to decision-making, I realise that with bigger and bigger XTOMIC, it is really hard to make decisions.. The more people, the more doubts they have on whatever I decide. So now, I often ask my assistant leader for opinions and my ideas/opinions coincide with his. Adrian emailed me that we should have a small committee and it would be a good idea. But I think again.. A committee should have outgoing members who can speak up their opinions.. I can think of some but there are too few.. It’s best to have some Deaf and Hearing people in the committee as the Deaf and Hearing opinions may be different.. I do not wish to have this committee right now because there are too many Hearing people. Moreover, I am myself a Deaf leader.. Who will be helping me on the Deaf side?!?!
Tell me what leadership comes about… I am just doing my task here as a DEAF leader, not HEARING one.. Hearing people are often seen as “teachers” or “news anchor” to Deaf as they know more… and they can hear!! But poor Deaf have to “see” at all times.. It is really TIRING!!??
Compared to Alfred and Jarn May who have contributed alot to the Deaf community, I am still an unimproved person here.. Now, I doubt my leadership… I’m very disappointed with myself!! :~~(
What Type Of Soul Do You Have? 27 January 2004
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From that link in Adr.L’s Blogspot, I tried this quiz and got this kinda of answer..
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Is my MMS phone popular, meh?! 26 January 2004
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Today was really a hectic day.. And, I can say, I had a very long day of KFC work and piano lesson. When I just finished my piano lesson, KidZ sms me if I would teach sign language at SADeaf tonight. Luckily, with him around, there is no need for me to have doubts if SADeaf would open tonight. Supposedly, I wanted to go to SADeaf tomorrow and bring my things home.. So now, I could have my things back at home.. 
Along my way home, KidZ and I were playing games on our phones. He played GoldMiner on my phone.. It seemed that my phone is really very popular..
His phone is not user-friendly, epecially its keypad.. I couldn’t enjoy this..!! Anyway, I like my phone very much.. Although it looks so plump, it is fun to play with..
Just now, Siong Hua (my colleague) came down to KFC on his short visit and he “begged” me to let him use my phone for some time. I pretended to say that I do not have this kinda of phone.. He refused to believe me.
Well, I think I am selfish.. but still, this phone is too “expensive” for me to lend to any aquaintenances (or strangers).. I do not trust them. Siong Hua is notorious for borrowing his friends’ phone for 1 month or longer, and he might damage it somehow.. That’s why I dare not let him use my phone..
But I can allow my close friends (Huishan, KidZ, Xuehui, Vivian..) to use my phone for their curiousity or exploration.
Ha, I must say, I’m very proud of this phone!! And, I must treasure it..
Friends’ Gathering 24 January 2004
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It was a busy day.. After work, I was rushing to my friend, Brandon’s place at Yishun and I hoped to see many long-time deaf friends.. I can say, I haven’t been in touch with them for a quite long time and I’m close to my group of deaf & hearing friends (Huishan, Adrian, Jocelynn, Andre, Eileen, Richmond, Rossman, Audrey and others).
It seems that most of them have changed alot or abit.. Mui Keng still looks chubby as before. Wee Meng & Brandon are thin and they look so haggard.. I had a good chat with them although time was running out. I had to rush down to Andre’s place.. But still, I had yet to catch up things with them.. Nevermind, there’s always a chance.
At Andre’s place, I once mentioned something to my friends. I said that I missed those CNY times we spent in 2002 and the dinner at Andre’s old place (near Lavendar MRT) was fantastic.. And before the dinner, we were busy going around our friends’ places. It was something like house visits. Or it was as if we were buying houses for ourselves. Hahaa, it was great and memorable..
This time, less and less people turned up.. I can say, Peter has changed alot.. He has grown more plump.. Lydia has her higher priorities on her family and it is understandable. Handoko is now in his mourning period and he can’t visit his friends during this CNY period. It’s alright.. time do change, people do change.. but still, hearts never change.. We have been sending one another CNY wishes and that shows we care for one another as friends (forever).
Hahaaaa, Huishan managed to show us her photos where she took at Korea. She went there with her family & friends on a holiday trip last December. I assumed that she must had enjoyed it very much and it was her very first trip to overseas.
But somehow, her CD seemed to have something wrong with it. Some of us sensed that she was unhappy with her CD. She thought everything went smoothly.. Anyway, I’m glad to see most of her photos and they were beautifully taken..
Left with Andre and Huishan, I played a brain-teasing game, ‘Scattergories’. Andre’s parents bought her this game from Australia when they were having their holiday. It is like making the list of the things which start with a certain letter. Within a time limit, we racked alot of brains to come up with crappy words according to the letter on the dice thrown. It was really fun and enjoyable.. In the end, I was the winner and I guess this takes luck, wit and knowledge…
River Hongbao 23 January 2004
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After my KFC work, I was very tired.. Got a mild headache.. Eileen sent me some messages, asking if I was interested in joining them for the River Hongbao event. I hesitated…until someone asked me to go and I thought that I should relax and destress myself. I decided to go…
Reaching upon my destination, it was raining.. (not so heavily). There got many game stalls.. Wow, it got a sling shot and it costs a bomb!! So expensive!!! It’s $30 per person.. It was not open yet because it does not have licence to do its business.
I brought $20 only and that was one of my resolutions to spend less money.. :p Well, we went for the Maze Terror in 2 groups. 5 persons in my group, Eileen, Kenji, Arnold, Huishan and me.. Along the maze, Huishan held tightly onto Arnold or me. Poor me!! Huishan “stamped” my feet all the way.. I wore high-heeled ladies’ shoes!! Ouch!! Ouch!! Until now, there is still pain in my feet! And, I got some bruises on my left upper arm.. Very painful!!
Huishan and Eileen were scared of those things.. Me?! I do not think I was very scared.. I only laughed and laughed.. After all, this Maze Terror is not so scary.. I’d rather have “real” horrible things sprung onto us suddenly and this will trigger fear in myself!!
“The last part was a spinning tunnel with a bridge. Because of the moving walls, it gave an optical illusion that the bridge was spinning. Lily and Jessica moved very slowly and kept saying that the bridge was spinning and even went in the knees and kneeled down, ha ha.” ~ from Arnold’s blogspot
Yeah… yeah… this made me very, very giddy.. I kept on falling, falling down…
Huishan got money falling from “Heaven”.. It’s amusing. Actually, there is a game so called Booster and it will have people “flying” in circles.. I assumed that one of them dropped a $1-coin from there and it hit Huishan’s chest. That’s how she got this!
Hahaa, we had our great fun!! We forgot our time… Poor Huishan & me, we missed the last trains to our home.. We had to take the NR buses home. I spent 3/4 of my money on games and I had $5 left. I had to walk home from Boon Lay where I alighted. Luckily for me, a nice taxi driver got me home on a free ride. Well, this was my lesson I had and I hope history won’t repeat again and again..
Different CNY!! 21 January 2004
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Hahaa.. this time, it is much better.. Many relatives came over to my place. We had our short chat. My aunties asked me the same questions as I expected. They asked me to bring my boyfriend home if I have. I told them many times that I do not have a boyfriend. They asked me about that guy in my photos and I told them that he’s my good friend.. It’s really paiseh..! I should keep them in the first place. But still, there’s no use.. I reached home after my KFC work. Everyone was already here at my home. I guess that they “searched” my room and saw those photos (without my permission).
Since 1998, I had been visiting my uncle (who is my father’s younger brother)’s place. It was very, very boring. Got some entertainment but it was Teochew opera which I hated the most!
Now, I can do anything I like at home. If I feel bored, I will go back to my room and I may either surf the Internet or play piano.. Haha..
Hmm, thanks to Richmond, Adrian & others, I have some knowledge on mahjong. I can take a peek at my father’s tiles.. Although they talked in Teochew or I do not know what they were talking about, I know what it is going on during these games.. That’s great!!
What Male Celebrity Are You Going To Marry? 18 January 2004
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You are going to Marry Orlando Bloom. He will always treat you right and is very romantic. He will do anything for you. He is very polite and has deep brown eyes and is very good looking (which is another plus!). He can make anything cheesy look really good (like sliding down stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy ears for example). Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)brought to you by Quizilla
Hahaaa… Incredible..!! *laughs* He’s so HANDSOME!! Hope my future boyfriend will be like HIM!! Hahaaaa…
At The Beginning 18 January 2004
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*listening currently to the song, “At The Beginning”…*
Thinking back of those memories I spent in 2003… I realised that I have spent alot of time and efforts in other commitments, especially XTOMIC.. And, I knew I spent less and less time going out with my friends.. hmmm, it seems that I may not go out so often with my friends this time and I will be very busy with NAFA studies, XTOMIC and other part-time/freelance work.
Thinking of my friends…
Lydia – A very busy lady. Often works over-time. That shows she is serious in her job although she dislikes her job. She hopes to spend more time with her friends, especially her family and she hopes to have good rest. Yeah, she’s independent and strong. This is an admirable personality she has. 
Audrey – This little girl whom is fun-loving. Have a good sense in fashion and she knows how to dress the best. I know that she is busy with her work and I hope that she can build her career this time. Oh yes, she is pretty and I hope to see her having her boyfriend.. :p
Huishan – A quiet girl, she keeps on saying that she is a boring person every time I ask her about her plans for the following day. I know that she cares more about her friends; in other words, she treasures friendship. I know that she does not care damn about her future.. Last Friday, I gave her a sounding advice about her future and I can say, I am worried about her. I do not wish to see her wasting her life for nothing.. I hope to see her putting on a cheerful & lively face at most times.
Rossman – A good friend indeed.. This time, I know that he is very busy and I couldn’t find any time to go out with him and have a good chat with him.. This does not matter as we understand each other that we are busy with our own commitments.. Anyway, since he decided to go back to Australia to complete his studies this time, I am very happy for him. And, I wish him all the best in his endeavours. If he decides to stop his studies, it is highly understandable and I have to respect him. I believe he can study this anytime and I hope he will be happy in whatever he does. As a good friend, I will be there for him to “remind” him with that “never-say-give-up” spirit whenever he is stressed or his faith in himself is on the wane..
Adrian – A fun-loving friend with a big heart.. Hmmm, he is serious in whatever he does and that’s another good point he has. He knows his priorities the best. Oh yes, I know that he has problems with his back and I hope he will take care of his health and health is important.
Jocelynn – A sweet lady with her charming smile. Nice personality.. She loves saxophone and song-signing, and she loves to help others in need. I know that she dislikes her Biz course but she needs to complete this. Perhaps, she can have this as back-up. She can find pleasure in any social work if opportunity comes on her way. GOD bless.. and all the best.
Richmond – A serious guy with deep thoughts.. He knows the best in whatever he does. He knows how to prioritise things. This is highly admirable and I really love to learn this from him. He loves his family, especially his dearest mother, and he’s indeed filial.. He sometimes shows concern for his good friends and this shows he treasures friendship. After all, he can manage everything on his own and I guess his best asset is time management.
Eileen – A simple girl.. Haha, I can say, she is workaholic at her IT work. Everytime she finishes her work, she rushes home to have a good rest and hopes to spend more time with her family and her boyfriend.. I know that she couldn’t have too many things in her hands and if she is busy with many of her commitment, her health will be deteriorating. I still remember that she fainted often with her heavy schedule. Until now, I advise her to see the doctor if this is getting more serious. Or she needs to take care of her health.. Really a fragile lady!
Andre – She is a good friend… She helped me alot, especially when I was very down. I can say, she has her wonderful personality which every person loves to confide in her. Hahaa, I am very happy for her as she can fulfill her wish to study a IT degree.. I wish her all the best in her endeavours and GOD bless…
Alicia – A charming lady with nice personality. Hahaaa, with her looks and figure, she can attract any guys.. Hmmm, I know that she has been confiding in me and I hope that she learns to relax more. I believe, with her intelligence and strength, she can be a great woman and she can do better in future..
Handoko – A cheerful guy with lots of wits.. No more bop-chap.. I guess his darling, Lydia may have changed him somehow. Hmm, he’s really an intelligent person and knows himself very well. I believe that he will be a successful man one day and I wish him all the best…
Hahaa, they are really my wonderful friends.. I love them! They have helped me many times and I’m truly grateful to them.. I hope to continue to be their good friends although I resolve to go out less for the year of 2004.
Give A Gift Today! 16 January 2004
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Gifts that Don’t Cost a Cent
(1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.
(2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.
(3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, “I love to laugh with you”.
(4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE
It can be a simple “Thanks for the help” note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.
(5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT
A simple and sincere, “You look great in red”, “You did a super job” or “That was a wonderful meal” can make someone’s day.
(6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.
(7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.
(8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone — really, it’s not that hard to say Hello or Thank You.
